Monday, January 24, 2011

Let go

Our idea of a vacation around here is kind of warped. Hubby takes the week off and we plan and hope and work and end up accomplishing very little in the end. We usually don't go much of anywhere since it's such a pain with all the muchkins. We seem to have had a "little" baby for the past 9 years. Not the same one of course, we just keep crankin' the little boogers out!

This week is one of our infamous vacation weeks. Yuck. I hope to be productive though, I have sneaking suspicions that we won't be able to fit everything we plan into our week. So this brings me to something that I have begun to realize that I have to change about myself. I have to learn to let go.

Don't misunderstand me, we all need goals and should strive to be our best. But I'm talking about those times when it just isn't working out, or maybe you did something dumb. I want to learn to stop the disappoint and the shame of not being the best all the time. I beat myself up for silly things that are long since over. Things that I need to let go of. Maybe a past sin or embarrassing moment, you get it?

I don't believe that God wants me to dwell on the past mistakes of my little life. How can I be an effective Christian, wife, mom, daughter, sister, etc. if  I am constantly berating myself for each little thing that I have said or did that maybe I shouldn't have. It's time to let go. I do feel bad that I gave my sister a complex about how big and gnarly her feet were but we were children. I have apologized and now I will let it go.

I had not realized that I carried around all these things that I shoved into my own face until recently. Things that told me that I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, or kind enough. They were like my own little excuse bag I carried around and brought out just to torture myself. Every time I find one of these little nuggets I analyse it now, think about why it really bothers me, then I say,"God has forgiven me, now it's time for me to forgive myself." It's not magic, I've had things that I thought I let go and there they are again, staring at me, saying, "You aren't enough", but I let go again. No analyzing that 2nd, 3rd, or more time, just let go, it's done over with, on the bottom of the ocean floor.

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