Let go

Our idea of a vacation around here is kind of warped. Hubby takes the week off and we plan and hope and work and end up accomplishing very little in the end. We usually don't go much of anywhere since it's such a pain with all the muchkins. We seem to have had a "little" baby for the past 9 years. Not the same one of course, we just keep crankin' the little boogers out!

This week is one of our infamous vacation weeks. Yuck. I hope to be productive though, I have sneaking suspicions that we won't be able to fit everything we plan into our week. So this brings me to something that I have begun to realize that I have to change about myself. I have to learn to let go.

Don't misunderstand me, we all need goals and should strive to be our best. But I'm talking about those times when it just isn't working out, or maybe you did something dumb. I want to learn to stop the disappoint and the shame of not being the best all the time. I beat myself up for silly things that are long since over. Things that I need to let go of. Maybe a past sin or embarrassing moment, you get it?

I don't believe that God wants me to dwell on the past mistakes of my little life. How can I be an effective Christian, wife, mom, daughter, sister, etc. if  I am constantly berating myself for each little thing that I have said or did that maybe I shouldn't have. It's time to let go. I do feel bad that I gave my sister a complex about how big and gnarly her feet were but we were children. I have apologized and now I will let it go.

I had not realized that I carried around all these things that I shoved into my own face until recently. Things that told me that I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, or kind enough. They were like my own little excuse bag I carried around and brought out just to torture myself. Every time I find one of these little nuggets I analyse it now, think about why it really bothers me, then I say,"God has forgiven me, now it's time for me to forgive myself." It's not magic, I've had things that I thought I let go and there they are again, staring at me, saying, "You aren't enough", but I let go again. No analyzing that 2nd, 3rd, or more time, just let go, it's done over with, on the bottom of the ocean floor.

There's a First Time for Everything...

I wanted a blog for Moms like me, but who knows, maybe there aren't any other other Moms like me. See, here's the deal, I'm NOT perfect. Now, I know that may come as a shock to you, but there it is, the ugly truth. I've been following several different blogs and websites for a while now that inspire me to be a better Mother, Homemaker, Baker, Organizer, Economizer. They inspire me to lose weight, get in shape, fix my house, decorate, and read my Bible more often. I love them.

BUT,

While they are wonderful, I sometimes wonder, "Are these folks really that put together?". I think most days they probably are! Me on the other hand, not so much. You see, I'm lazy. Shocker. I am also overweight. Gasp. My house is dirty. Oh the horror. My kids are not perfect angels. Say it isn't so. Coupons have become my enemy. AAAHH! I could go on and on about how bad I am but really why bother, you get the idea right?  So today I thought that I would post some ugly truths about myself and begin a journey.

My journey is to make some major changes in my life (says the woman eating Animal Crackers while she types). Last year I finally quit my part-time job as a Church Secretary that I had held for 6 1/2 years. It was a big, scary leap for me. I was going for what I really wanted, being at home with my kids. I had a hard time letting go of my meager income because I felt that it would be such a burden to my husband to carry the full income load. I worked that job bringing my kids to work, having babies (not literally at the church, sheesh), sick,  with 4 different pastors/bosses, knowing that God wanted me to quit. I was miserable.

Finally, enough was enough, and with a clear conscience I resigned from the job. Part of my life was gone. It was really weird for a while, not getting up and running around like some psycho trying to get everyone ready and where they needed to be. So I had a time of transition...and then some more...and more.  Slowly, I've started trying to become the Mom and wife that I've always wanted to be, slowly.

Here's another weird thing about me, I've always wanted to be a homemaker. I was the one growing up that said that maybe I'd be a biologist or a veterinarian, but really, I just wanted to take care of my family. Am I contributing to society? I hope so. I admire people who can stand college, it wasn't for me, I tried.

So, here are some of the things I hope to talk about in the future, sometimes I lose it and yell at my kids. I'm not proud, just trying to be honest. My dishes often wait til the morning to be washed. Clutter builds on my counters, and tables, and dressers, and floor and...well you name it. Why? That is a very good question, considering that for the most part, I am very happy with my chosen occupation. Some reasons (excuses?), 4 children ages 9, 5, 3, 1, that is the biggest reason right there. Also, why I've decided that I don't want to homeschool my children, and how that makes me feel less than great. I'm going to stop here. I think that tomorrow I'll get up early and blog about what my first step to a better me will be...maybe! Come and join me, while I try to figure out what in the world I'm doing.